Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Things Women Should Not Do
Girl Power is super in this year. Actually, it's been around since our female role models drilled it in our heads when we were growing up that we could do anything. It's turned some females into self-entitled hardheads, but I digress. Contrary to what yo mama says, there are some things you just can't do:
1. Feel guilty for wearing flats. I've known (shallow) dudes that have gotten salty with women for wearing flats. Oh, so we're supposed to teeter through life in some 5-inch stilettos? No, sir. I love heels and I'd wear them every moment if they were practical. They hurt after hours of wear. I'm not gonna wear heels to Six Flags or to walk across campus. I know guys want us to constantly bring pleasure to the eye, but it's not possible. Embrace flats. They make you less cranky and more cutesy. When some of these "men" grow seven inches, manage to wear jeans with no holes, or caps without hologram stickers on them, then maybe we can reconsider this.
2. Wear heels to Six Flags. As much as I wish this memo will be received by the masses, it won't. I'm gonna see a chick awkwardly strolling through an amusement park, thinking she looks fine and is making her man proud. No. And I wish I was joking about these women's lack of common sense.
3. Con a dude into buying you a drink/flat-out asking for a drink. These women are brave. Y'all are on that whole independent, I-pay-my-own-bills tip on Twitter during the week, but come the weekend, you're scamming dudes to save $10. You know what you need to save? Your dignity. Ditch the fake smile and buy your own damn drink.
4. Take 27 self-camera-shots in a car or bathroom mirror. Honey, that's what your friends are for: to take pictures of your everlasting beauty for all to covet. That's not your job. (Side-note: isn't it always pleasingly awkward to catch someone taking a picture of themselves when they think no one is looking?)
5. Drive trucks [they can't drive]. If you're struggling to successfully park or reverse a truck, you do not need to be driving that monstrous thing. If you're constantly on the fritz about running over a small person when you're driving a truck, you do not need to drive it. If these things are no sweat to you, you may drive that truck and may god have mercy on all of our souls.
6. Hide your crazy from your friends. You beat on the door of your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's house in the middle of the night. You might have said he had syphilis (not true). And you might have let on that you were pregnant (also untrue?). Do not hide these tales from your friends. Re-telling the story while someone laughs at the situation makes you feel like you're not crazy, you're just reeeeaaally funny! And then they'll start spilling their own crazy confessions! Suddenly, you don't feel so alone anymore! We're all crazy!